Trayvon Martin

This post is barely coherent, and if I took more time, I could probably make it make sense. One of the things that has struck me about the Trayvon Martin story is that it seems too many (mostly white) people are refusing to see one of the real issues in this case. A black boy who was doing nothing wrong was basically chased by a man who thought he was doing wrong based on an irrational fear. Although I understand that there may have been some illegal activity in the area in the past, this man chased this boy down instead of allowing law enforcement to check the boy out. The boy was guilty only of walking to the corner store to buy a snack in the rain, and wearing a hoodie to do it.

This police department failed both the victim and Zimmerman by failing to treat the investigation as a homicide until the defense of self-defense was proven. Self-defense is just that - a defense to a killing. The investigation should have been conducted as if there was a homicide, and leave it to the DA or a jury of Zimmerman's peers to determine if there is a sufficient self-defense argument to determine if the case should be thrown out. This police department acted as a jury and accepted the credibility of Zimmerman on the scene instead of collecting evidence. Now Zimmerman is being tried in the court of public opinion, which is never a good court to be tried in. Martin was failed by the police department because he was treated differently than another victim would have been treated.

One thing that I think that most white people do not understand is how they react when they see a black man or teen walking around them. Do you pull your purse closer to yourself when you see a black man but not when you see a white man? Do you automatically assume that a black person walking through your neighborhood is up to no good but do not think twice about the white person? Those actions are based on irrational fears of a person who is different from you. If you are a white woman living in the South, a black man is very rarely going to do anything to you because they understand that it would be a max sentence if they did. You do not need to fear "them." They may speak to hit on you, so just politely respond declining the advances. Do not fear someone just because of their race! It is ok to watch someone you do not know in your neighborhood to make sure they are not up to something, but it is not ok to track them down with a gun so that an altercation ensues and someone ends up dead. It is ok to be vigilant, but not ok to have irrational fears that someone is up to no good because they are dressed in a hoodie or any other way.

I realize that I come from an entirely different perspective than most people I know because of my life experiences. I cannot help but think though that one of my innocent boys (and I have a few of those) could easily be Trayvon. My boys look like him. My boys walk to the corner store for snacks like him. My boys even wear hoodies in the rain like him. My boys would probably fight if they were followed like him. The police department probably would not do as thorough of an investigation if they were shot like him. If the tables were flipped and one of them followed Zimmerman and acted as Zimmerman did, there is not a doubt in my mind that a proper investigation and arrest would have occurred at that time. Our society values certain lives above others, and you can see it the most when those who are valued least are victims instead of perpetrators. It is time to do a reality check as a whole and start addressing the irrational fears. I think some are learning from Trayvon, and at least his death will not be in vain if some change their irrational fears. Justice will not be served because we are humans living in a fallen world. However, maybe change will come in the way that certain victims are treated and how some laws are applied. And maybe we can overcome some of our irrational fears and not take matters into our own hands.

Something Changed

The biggest change I think I have experienced between Guy's murder and James' murder - I don't even care who the shooter(s) is/are or whether they are ultimately tried for the crime. It is sometimes easier to not know and not put a face on the killer. I have barely given the shooter(s) any thought except to think about how I am not thinking about them this time.

I remember telling my pastor this summer that sometimes when a family learns who committed the murder, it is more difficult to deal with the death. When a family in our church learned who the murder was of their family members, that was proven true for them. It was true for me when Guy was murdered. I hope I never learn who did it to James because of the extra layer of emotions that it causes. His death is hard enough to deal with without knowing.

Six Flags 2002

If there was one day I wish I could have captured on video so that I could watch it over and over again, it would be the day that the Center kids went to Six Flags in 2002. I remember bits and pieces of that day. I ended up with a group of four boys - I always get along with the boys better. One in my group was too short to ride many of the rides. I noticed his pouty-ness and decided I would not ride the ride if he could not ride it. I spent a lot of time with him that day. I also made the rule that we had to alternate rides between the ones he could ride and the ones he could not. My reward was some hand holding and lots of smiles. He was my buddy that day. My little sidekick. He was one sweet little boy.

Later the younger kids went back to the Center and I volunteered to stay with the teens. I assumed the older kids would not want me around. I was wrong. When they saw me they asked where I had been, and forced me to walk around riding rides with them. I say forced - I am sure I was easy to convince. One of the boys made me sit on the outside of him on a spinning ride. This resulted in him being pressed up against me for the entire ride. Another boy kept saying he felt like he was going to be sick causing me and my ride partner to laugh so hard we were almost crying. We got along that night. We were friends.

Now both of my ride buddies are gone. I said goodbye to the teenager - Guy - almost three and a half years ago. My short boy grew up - taller than me, but did not get to become a man. I will be saying goodbye to James this weekend. There is one day in my memory that unites them and it was that day at Six Flags. Sure, I remember them being around me together at other times, but this day was a special day. I am thankful for the precious memories. I am thankful for that day at Six Flags nine years ago. For the moment, it feels like it was yesterday.

James Wells

May 1, 1994 - August 26, 2011

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21b

Haiti Tweets

I have been following some of the tweets coming out of Haiti, but I have to say that the ones that have affected me most are being posted by Mark Driscoll (@PastorMark). You can read his tweets even if you do not have Twitter. Driscoll is a sometimes controversial pastor who is known for stating some attention getting things in the pulpit. Maybe that is why his tweets are currently my favorite. No sugar coating. No exaggeration. No trying to find the right words for a news article. Just honest. It would be easy to shield the eyes and ears to all that is said and the pictures coming out. Yet, I believe that maybe we are to look and listen so that we can feel and sympathize and pray.

Countdown to 30: Day 1

Tomorrow I turn 30. Today I am still in my 20s. I am going to write today about one of my best decisions that I made in my first 30 years of life in one of the moments of extreme difficulty.

I got the phone call that Guy had been shot and killed at 5:24 p.m. on August 17, 2008. He had died approximately 30 minutes before I received the call. It is weird how you can remember dates and times like that sometimes. I also remember exactly where I was when he was shot and killed (and what I was thinking/praying about at the time) even though I did not know the shooting was occurring at that time. I remember exactly where I was at when I received the phone call - approximately 1 mile from the Turkey Creek and Meeker exit on I-49. I had just seen the exit sign when my phone rang. I basically had less than a mile to make one of the most important decisions of my life. I had to decide whether to turn around and go straight back.

I was prepared to make the decision. I do not think that I even considered continuing home at that time. I had already been through the hurricane with my kids. I had already missed one funeral. I had spent a week just being a sister to Birdie. Ironically, I had packed extra clothes to last through the weekend just in case - that was my thought as I packed them, although I did not have any clue what the "just in case" would be. There was no question that I was heading right back to New Orleans that night.

Many people have come and gone out of the lives of the kids at the Center. Everyone knows that it happens. The kids have gotten used to it. Although people promise to come back, and even make a few trips, eventually life happens and separates the kids from those whom they love. It seems inevitable. I think that the kids used to worry that I would do the same thing. Sure, I went in 2001 and 2002 and 2003 and 2004, but would I come back after the hurricane? I surprised the kids by remaining faithful to come see them. I had been away for over a year when I went in that week in April, but I also knew as I left that I could not possibly stay away that long again. When Guy's murder happened, I am sure that almost everyone would have understood if I did not turn around. I had to work the next day. It was not safe for me to go back when the boys were being targeted. It hurts too much to continue in this type of ministry. Almost everyone would have understood if I did not go back, and if I did not go to the funeral, and if I cancelled any future trips.

Galatians 6:9-10 says "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." I heard the versions mentioned in a sermon about a week and a half after Guy's death. I realized then that those verses were the reason I turned around that day, even if I was not thinking of those verses. I believe that God has a plan for the kids that I have invested so many years building relationships with. I believe that God has a plan for the Center and for each child that goes through the Center. I believe that I was able to convince more people of my love for them by going back that night. My actions spoke louder than any other words I had spoken to them in the previous seven years to that point. Yes, most of them would have understood if I did not come back, but I would have lost something in my relationships with them. I knew that there was a brother who needed me, but would never call me to let me know. It was up to me to be there because now he knows to call me and tell me he needs me. I would not trade in that type of relationship for anything. There is another boy who is currently sitting in a jail cell. I pray that God will remind him of His love because that boy knows I love him since I came back that night. It is easy to say I love you but harder to prove it. He knows I do, and I pray that it will lead him to God's love someday.

I cannot give up on the kids in New Orleans. God promises that we will reap if we continue to do good. I think that too often, we give up too easily. We want an instant reaping, but like growing a crop, it takes time for the seeds to grow. Weeds spring up fast and die quickly, but the fruit-bearing crop takes time. I do not know what God's plan is for the boys I love. I do know that if I had made the wrong decision that day in that split second when the decision was made that I would have missed out on one of the biggest blessings of my life - sharing in the day of little guy's birth! Ironically, I received the phone call that he had been born as I was less than one mile from the Turkey Creek and Meeker exit on I-49. Plus, his daddy had learned his lesson and called me because he needed me that day so I could share in his joy. I feel like I made a huge decision that day, which is strange because it was made without thinking about the consequences one way or the other. It was made without any thought of my own safety or potential heartache or really without any thoughts of myself at all. I am sure that the decision did not make sense to a lot of people, but often God causes us to make decisions that do not make sense so that He is glorified. I believe that God was glorified more by that decision than any other choice that I have made because His love was on display for all to see - both in New Orleans and outside. I just pray that God will continue to be glorified in my love for my kids and their kids for years to come!

Countdown to 30: Day 2

I am having to learn about forgiveness because of Guy's death. When I arrived back in New Orleans the night it happened, I was informed that one of the suspects was a boy who used to go to the Center. At one time I was very close to this boy and his brothers. Their picture was out for all to see at my house. My photo albums were filled with pictures of this boy. I would consider myself closer to him when he was a kid than to Guy. I did not know that this boy was even back in New Orleans.

It is hard enough to deal with the death of a friend. It is even harder when the death is a murder and the friend is so young. It becomes almost impossible when you are faced with the possibility that someone you know and love could be responsible for the murder of someone else you know and love. I am not even sure that I can begin to put it into words. One thing that I did know was that I would have to forgive this boy even if I never know whether or not he participated in the drive by shooting or took the shot that killed Guy. I do not know if I will ever see the boy again (it has been about three or four years since I have seen him I think), but if I do, I will have to show the love of God to him. Anger and bitterness are not going to do either one of us any good.

I am often in the neighborhood where the boy stays. I admit that I am often looking for him. Part of me wants to see him just to see how I would react. Part of me wants to avoid him. I can look at his pictures now. Maybe that is just a tiny step towards forgiveness. I remind myself that the sin he committed against Guy and Guy's family and friends is so small and insignificant compared to the sin that I commit against a holy and righteous God. It helps to put the sin in perspective that way when working through forgiveness.

Countdown to 30: Day 3

The press coverage following Guy's murder was something that I do not think I was prepared to deal with. On the one hand, I was glad that his murder was being covered because he was a name instead of a number, he had a family, and a community was grieving. On the other hand, it was difficult to read the inaccuracies in the stories, the wrong assumptions, and to see that the police were pursuing the wrong suspect. The continued coverage of his death seemed to make his murder mean something, but it also made it hard to deal with because the story seemed to be everywhere. Some of the facts in the story made it hard to read (such as his arrest for drugs) because although they were true, they made society view him as someone who had it coming to him instead of making society see that there were friends and family members who loved him and were in pain. The arrest of the initial suspect several weeks later meant that the story was in the newspapers again, even though the initial suspect was no longer a suspect in Guy's murder. Later that year came the TV specials on crime in New Orleans and the high school that he attended, and it was like picking at a scar until it bleeds again.

The news coverage following Guy's death has taught me some important lessons. First, do not believe everything that you read in a newspaper. I know that everyone knows that, but people need to be reminded of that when they read about murders and other crimes. Chances are the story is not 100% accurate, so do not convict someone of a crime in your head just because of what a newspaper story says about the crime. Second, even alleged criminals' families grieve when choices that the person makes leads to their death. One of the hardest things to hear was that the city was better off without someone like Guy on the streets. Even if society as a whole has a valid point, that does not bring comfort to the family and friends who miss the side that society did not see. I now read the newspaper stories with sympathy for the families and friends instead of just indifference towards the victim. Third, it is hard to grieve when there is media attention. I only experienced this on a small scale, and of course it was easier being in Texarkana where people did not hear about it unless I told them. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for families of the victims of 9/11 or even the killings that happened in Ft. Hood last week. I know that it was hard for me because I wanted to read and watch and see all of the media accounts, but it was painful to read and watch and see. I do not know if it is easier to deal with death privately, or if it is just the nature of Guy's death that has made everything so difficult. Finally, there are just some things that cannot be conveyed by the media. People may get a glimpse of what the family is going through, but they really have no idea.

Countdown to 30: Day 4

Sometimes God prepares us for what is about to happen. It may not take the shock completely away, but it still may help. This is one of the toughest, yet most comforting lessons I have learned in my first 30 years.

In April 2008, I made my first trip to New Orleans in over a year. I went primarily to see Birdie, but I was happy to see everyone. One Tuesday which was usually boy's night, I was catching up with Malcolm when Guy called Malcolm to give him a ride home. I said they could use my car, but I was riding along too. When we picked Guy up, I said, and not jokingly, that he was acting as if someone was going to shoot at him while walking up to my car. Unnerving to say the least. When we dropped him off, he thanked me, and I told him he was welcome to a ride anytime. He said, "no, thank you for everything." I remember telling Jennifer that he acted like he was about to die. It bothered me.

The next day was Guy's birthday and he stopped by the Center. I wasn't used to him stopping by just to hang out, but he stayed talking with me and some others for around an hour. Again I could not help but think he was acting like someone who thought he was about to die. I also felt like he had just seen his last birthday. That day was one of the best days I have had in New Orleans since the hurricane, and I am glad God gave me that day.

I was leaving to go home on April 17. Birdie needed a ride so I dropped him off at a friend's house right before I was to leave. Guy was there. Guy told me bye. Guy never said goodbye - ever. I could not bring myself to tell him bye because there was an overwhelming feeling that this was the last time I would see him alive. I even told Jennifer that I was afraid the next time I would come in would be for his funeral. I even told Birdie I was worried about Guy. I started home about 2. Guy was shot and killed around 5. I received the phone call at 5:24.

Although there was plenty of shock, I believe that God was preparing us for what was about to happen. It did not make the hurt less although it may have made the hurt bearable. There was comfort in knowing that God sometimes gives us warnings so that we can bear what is coming. I as the outsider coming in noticed the way Guy was acting more than those close to him probably would have. I am just glad I had time with Guy that week and with everyone else.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Countdown to 30: Day 5

From August 2007 until October 2008, it seems that my life was filled with dealing with death. I went to just a few less funerals during that time than I had been to in my whole life up to that point. However, when you are faced with death, you learn quite a bit about life.

In August 2007, my second mother died. Ms. Brenda had been my second mother from before I was born. She was a constant in my life. When it would storm when we were kids, we would head to Ms. Brenda's house. Many days were spent watching her son and my dad play video games. She was always at our birthday parties, and always "lost" our Christmas presents. When we moved to Ft. Worth, it was always her house that we returned to when we came home to Texarkana. Although she did not come to my high school graduation, she was there for college and law school graduation and watched me get my law license in Austin. She kept Texarkana people updated on my progress and kept my family informed of all of the Wake Village news.

During the summer of 2007, Ms. Brenda went to Houston to see family she had not seen in years. She went to see her daughter, which was usually reserved for Thanksgiving and Christmas. She stopped by my parents house on her way back. My mom came in the weekend of her birthday. Many of the babies that she had brought up in the nursery came in to visit that summer and saw her. She worked the church directory photo night on Monday and saw many friends. I had lunch with her on Tuesday. On Thursday I had a phone call that she had died suddenly. Even though it was tough to deal with, I immediately saw God's grace in her death. She had been able to tell many people that she cared about and did not see often goodbye. She died suddenly instead of after a long illness, and had been doing what she loved right before she died - taking care of a baby.

Ms. Brenda was a staple in the nursery at First Baptist Church Wake Village, where I was enrolled on the cradle roll. For 30+ years she was faithful to sit in her rocking chair and take care of babies. She was overjoyed to be caring for the babies of babies she had when she first started working in the nursery. For 30+ years the church did not have to worry about who would work with the babies in the nursery because there was never a question. It would be Ms. Brenda. She did not stop caring for the babies once they were no longer babies though. She always wanted to know what was going with her babies, and she was always overjoyed if one of her babies returned to Texarkana as an adult. Anyone with big news was expected to stop by the nursery and inform Ms. Brenda!

There is something really beautiful about a servant of God dying. After years of serving, Ms. Brenda entered into the rest of God. She was able to see the face of the One whose love she had been showing for so many years. Although she is missed terribly, especially in the preschool building, there is the hope of seeing her again along with many other faithful servants who have gone on to eternal rest. After seeing Jesus in the faces of many babies, she is seeing Him face to face. Because of that, there is reason to rejoice!

Countdown to 30: Day 8

I have been going to Carver Baptist Center in New Orleans for eight years, and, as anyone who has known me for any length of time or has been to my office to see the pictures everywhere (or has read this series), there is a particular relationship that has meant more to me than probably any other friendship in my life. Of course I am talking about my boy, Birdie.

The funny thing about Birdie is that I do not remember meeting him. I am not even sure that he remembers meeting me. I do know that the second spring break that our college group went to the Center in 2002, he and his cousin were locked out of the house accidentally and were asleep on one of the couches downstairs when we arrived. I do not remember that, but he does. I even have a picture or two from that trip where you can see him in the background, but I do not think that I talked to him or knew who he was at that point. When I went back that summer for the month of July, we started getting close. In fact it was nothing unusual for me to have Birdie, Malcolm and Fred with me going everywhere. Plus Birdie was responsible for watching his nephew Coy who was almost two at the time, which meant that I watched Coy while Birdie played basketball.

We really started to click in 2003. Birdie got himself into some minor trouble while on an outing with the missionary at the Center. I noticed tension between the two, so I put extra effort that week into spending time with Birdie. He went everywhere with me (except the beach - he was temporarily banned from Center activities), and I played basketball with him for hours (resulting in a purple - yes purple - sunburn that made him concerned enough to stop the game and make me go inside to cool off and down a ton of water). I literally tortured him to make him tell me what he had done to get into trouble. I think I may have locked him in a room (favorite tactic of mine with the kids) and grilled him continuously for half a day before he revealed what he had done. Instead of instantly lecturing him, I acted completely out of character and told him I was proud of him for telling me himself instead of waiting until someone else told me. The lecture came later in the form of a very long letter that I sent to him and that he actually read and remembers to this day. From that point forward, there was no way to convince either one of us that we were not brother and sister, although he still didn't like for me to hug him in front of friends.

The dislike of public hugging went out the window in 2005 with Katrina hitting. As soon as I saw him the first time after Katrina, I received one of the biggest hugs, and in front of his whole family, that I think I have ever received from Birdie. Katrina is also when his mother started claiming me as her other daughter and his siblings started calling me their white sister. I became part of the extended family during that time, and I think that quite a few members of his extended family still claim me today. Our relationship had a strange period during 2006 and 2007 because I knew he was doing things he should not be doing, but I was still loving on my little brother. Plus he was arrested, and I had to lecture him. I lectured him on the phone. I lectured him in person. I lectured him over the phone some more. He did not seem to be listening, and I was frustrated. 2007 ended up being a year when I could only make one trip to New Orleans in the spring, and I actually went over a year without seeing him. I am not sure how I ever survived that long!

In January 2008, one of Birdie's good friends was shot and killed. Fortunately Birdie was not at the scene that night, although I do not think that he sees it that way. When I found out about it, I procrastinated in calling Birdie because I did not know how to deal with things like that over the phone, and I knew I could not make it down there to see him in person to go to the funeral. On the morning of the funeral, I sent him a text message to let him know I was thinking about him (cowardly, I know!), and soon my phone was ringing. It was so good to hear his voice on the other end, but I was glad I did not contact him earlier or my butt would have been driving to New Orleans! I had no idea that I would have my chance to be there for him after the death of a friend just a few months later. All I knew as I hung up is that I loved that kid and I had to see him soon.

Soon did not come soon enough. New Orleans has this cool website where you can follow court dates of those awaiting trial, and I knew he had a trial date coming up. I knew I wanted to be there for him for his trial date, so I kept up with it. It kept getting pushed, but finally a date was set for April 15. I called his sister (because he did not return my call) to find out if it was set to go, and I found out that his family knew nothing about the date coming up. Nice. Soon he was on the phone with me telling me that I did not have to come, but I had to be there. I got in on the Monday night before his trial on Tuesday. I went to see him not long after getting in and seeing him that night I knew that I could not go a year without seeing him again. The trial date was continued (of course!), but I met his lawyer and we exchanged contact information so that the trial could be scheduled at a time I could go. I spent the rest of my time in New Orleans hanging out with him and the other kids. Birdie and I had many good conversations that week, and I was able to leave him on Thursday knowing I would see him in a month.

The call came as I was about halfway home that Thursday. Guy had been shot and killed. I had seen him about three hours before the call when I was saying bye to Birdie. Without being told, I knew Birdie had been there this time. I sent him a text to let him know I was on my way back, but I could not call him. He would not want to talk at that point anyway. I spent quite a bit of time with him the next few days, although it was not enough for me. I do not think our friendship would have been the same if I did not turn back that day. However, that is a story for another day.

I did go in for the trial. I also went in for the birth of his baby boy. I went in a few weeks before the birth of the baby so that he could have one last weekend all about him instead of the baby. I used to kid him that the baby would replace him as my boy once the baby was born, but instead it has made us closer. I love my little guy, but his daddy still has that special place in my heart! Birdie loves to watch me spoil little guy, and I love to watch him being a daddy. We have talked about the gospel many times, and I am convinced of Birdie's salvation even though he struggles with some serious sins. My friendship with Birdie has taught us both about Prov. 17:17: A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. We have been there for each other during the death of a friend and the aftermath of Katrina. He has been there for me when I almost passed out in a hospital. I have been there for him during a trial and the birth of his child. We both have loved unconditionally. It is a friendship that will continue throughout eternity, but is a little piece of heaven on earth. I love my baby brother!

Countdown to 30: Day 18

Today I thought I would share a memory that has sustained me through some difficult times. When you work with children in the inner city, it is pretty much inevitable that one of the children you are working with will be shot and killed. I am now up to three kids that have been killed by violence and two or three(that I know of - I am sure there are more that have been grazed) that have been shot but survived. I also knew one of the parents of the children that was shot and killed in a shot meant for the son. It is a rough world for these kids.

One of my favorite memories of New Orleans is the Chasing Rabbits memory. Since I have already blogged about it in full, I thought today I would just link to my highlight for today. Days such as the day that we chased rabbits allow me to remember that these teenagers and adults were once children who acted like children and loved like children and played like children. Remembering those days reminds me to love them now and pray for them. Since this memory includes two boys who have been shot and killed, it is one of the sweetest memories of them for me. Enjoy my adventure chasing rabbits in inner city New Orleans!

Countdown to 30: Day 22

My grandfather died during my junior year of high school. Although I had known people who had died in the past, it was really the first time I dealt with grief in the context of the death of a person I was close to. I was old enough to understand the reality of death, and the pain that comes from the knowledge of knowing that I would not see him again in this life.

My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer around the same time of the Oklahoma City bombing. I do not remember if it was that day or the day before or if the news was broken to me and my brother only on that day. It was a pretty odd time though with the family sadness and the national tragedy overlapping. The next few months were filled with treatment and the realization that the cancer was terminal. Eventually he got to the point where he had to be hospitalized, and then basically slipped further and further away as he was unable to communicate. My family traumatized me by forcing me to go in to see him when he was so bad the day or two before he died. I swear that I have had a fear of hospitals since that time (parents – don’t force your children to do things like that please!). It takes a pretty big event for me to go to a hospital to visit someone, and I usually will not go to a maternity ward even to visit a new mother and baby. I will not go to a hospital alone, and I am a BIG baby when it comes to actually walking into a hospital. Just ask my boy in New Orleans who had to come downstairs and outside to coax me in to see his new baby in the freezing cold.

It is odd to lose a family member to cancer. As you watch the person waste away in pain, you actually reach a point where you are praying for them to die so that they do not have to suffer anymore. It was an incomprehensible feeling for me to have at the time, but it is the point that you come to. Since that time, I realize it is OK for us to pray for God to allow someone to be released from pain at the same time that you are praying for God to heal them. It is a good lesson in learning to pray that God’s will be done in a situation.

I would not say that each death of someone close to me since my grandfather’s death has been easier, but I have dealt with each death better as I have learned more and more about God and the comfort He provides in that situation. I have also learned to see God’s grace in death. God did not allow my grandfather to suffer long. His cancer was quick spreading. However, we had a chance to prepare for his death and say goodbye. My grandfather lived a good life. God allowed me to have a relationship with my grandfather who was a godly man and good example for me. God also allowed my grandfather to see how his faithfulness to God contributed to the spread of the gospel down to my generation. All these things are blessings that God has enabled me to see through the life and death of my grandfather, helping to shape my theology of death.

Judge Jim Hudson

The Arkansas judge that swore me in to practice law in Arkansas died yesterday after complications from surgery he had in March. More here.

Random Thought #33

Part of growing up is learning which funerals to attend, which funerals to send flowers to, and which funerals where all you need to send is a card. Hospital visits follow the same logic. That is the kind of week it has been in Texarkana.

More on yesterday's blog

Last night the pastor prayed for those will be eternally separated from a relationship with God unless they come to a saving knowledge of God. I think that this is correct. Even though persons in hell will be experiencing God's wrath and judgment, they will not have a personal relationship with Him. At least the wording was a step in the right direction!

What Hell is Really Like

Sometimes I hear preachers say things that get me all stirred up inside (in a negative way), and I do not feel better until I have said something about it. Fortunately my blog can be a place for me to express my views in a way that isn't criticizing a person, but a thought. Our church is in revival this week, and the preacher is passionate about the word of God and preaching expository sermons – two things I believe are completely essential for a pastor to be faithful to be faithful to Scripture (there is a place for thematic sermons, but that is another blog post). What this preacher said though that has me bothered came in a prayer he said at the end of his sermon last night. In the prayer he said something to the effect that he did not want anyone present to go to hell and experience eternal separation from God. In fact, that is what many Christians say. They mean well, but they are wrong. There are at least two reasons that it needs to be pointed out that they are wrong. Those in the church need to be careful how things are phrased.

First, hell is not eternal separation from God. Instead, it is being in the eternal presence of God's judgment and wrath. Those in hell no longer are in the presence of God's love, grace and mercy. In this world, the Bible makes it clear that all are in the presence of God's love, grace and mercy. In Matthew, Jesus says that God causes the sun to rise on the just and the unjust. Rain comes for the believer and non-believer. Believers and non-believers may receive food, clothing, and shelter. Believers and non-believers all have the ability to make moral choices. Believers and non-believers have the capacity for thinking and growing in knowledge. There is a restraint that God has placed on all humans that keeps us from being as bad as our sinful hearts desire to be. These are all examples of the love, grace, and mercy of our God. The other side of the loving, gracious, and merciful God is the wrath and judgment that He pours out for sin. In the present world, God restrains from pouring out the full cup of His wrath on the world and from allowing His full judgment to come on the world. We still see examples of His judgment and wrath. Just look all throughout the Old Testament, and we have commentary about periods of God's judgment and wrath during human events such as the flood, the defeat of Egypt, the conquering of the nations in Canaan, the exiles of the northern and southern kingdoms of Israel, etc. We even see the judgment and wrath today, although those are not popular subjects to talk about. In this world, it is clear that all humans see both sides of God's nature even if (as Romans says) they suppress the knowledge of God and fail to recognize the works of God.

Once this world ends, and once a person dies, eternity is spent either in heaven or in hell. We know from God's nature that He is love, grace and mercy, but also, because of our sin, He is rightfully full of wrath and judgment on sin. If those in heaven experience the eternal love, grace, and mercy of God, it also follows that those in hell experience the eternal wrath and judgment of God. He is still present, but the justified wrath and judgment are the attributes of God that those in hell will see for eternity. They will not be outside the presence of God. They will just be outside of the blessings of God. Quite frankly, that is a much scarier picture of hell than what is often preached. Those in hell will not believe that what is happening to them is unfair. Instead, they will be consciously aware that they have eternally offended the God of creation who is a holy and righteous God, and they will agree that they should be subjected to eternal punishment. Again, that is a much scarier picture of hell than what is often preached.

The second reason that we should not preach hell as an eternal separation from God should be motivated by our love for sinners. Many (maybe even most) sinners would love nothing more than to be separated from God. It is not a concept that scares them one bit. They have already built up a mental separation from God, and they cannot see how separation from God would be a bad thing. They do not have love for God, so why would it hurt them to be separated from God? They want to be separated from God and His holiness in this life, and the idea of eternal separation from Him in the next makes them feel that they will finally get what they want. They will not be motivated to accept Jesus' sacrifice for their sins because they think that they want nothing to do with God in the first place. The book of Romans makes this clear. Therefore, our love for sinners should motivate us to have the right concept of hell. All men know that there is a God, but they suppress the truth and trade it for a lie. All men know that they are sinners and that their sin is an insult to God. Therefore, it is necessary to explain the truth to them. Hell will not be eternal separation from God. Instead it will be the eternal wrath and judgment of God poured out on sinners. Man cannot get away from God. God's love or God's wrath will follow all men into eternity. If we truly love men, we will not preach hell as they want to hear about it (eternal separation from God), but we will preach hell as it really will be – the eternal pouring out of God's wrath and judgment on sinners.

Now my love for sinners requires me to give a short account of the gospel in case there is someone reading this blog who has not heard the gospel before, and does not want to experience the eternal wrath and judgment of God. God is a holy and righteous God. He requires man to live a completely perfect life and live up to His holiness. Those who cannot live a perfectly holy life are condemned to die an eternal death for their sins. Man was created holy and righteous by God, but man sinned against God. All men sin against God. It is not possible for any man to live a life without sin. Therefore, all men are condemned to experience the eternal wrath and judgment of God. All men are without hope in their own attempts to live up to God's standard. BUT GOD … some of the sweetest words that sinners will hear. But God knew that man would not live up to His standard, and sent Jesus Christ to live up to His righteous standard for us. Jesus was God and was man. As God, He was able to live up to the standard of God. As man, He was able to take our place and die our death as the punishment and judgment for our sins. Believers are able to experience God's eternal love, grace and mercy through eternal life because the judgment fell on Jesus. Sinful man must realize that he is worthy of eternal death, that he has sinned against a holy God, that his sins are filthy compared to the holiness of God, and that his only hope is to put his faith and trust in the life that Christ lived and the death that Christ died. Sinful man must realize that he needs the presence of God in his life in order to enable him to act in the manner that God desires. Sinful man must realize that he needs to surrender his life and actions to the authority of the Most High God. It is more than praying a prayer (although that is where new life often starts), it is living a life alive in Christ, able to do works of righteousness.

I have to admit that I, at one time, would describe hell as eternal separation from God. I really do not know when I came to the realization that hell is much worse than I was representing. I cannot remember a specific sermon or book or passage in the Bible that led me to the proper understanding. I think that my studies of the book of Romans probably played a large part in my clearer understanding. I know that the clearer (although probably not perfect since I am human) understanding of hell has been put in my mind and heart by being faithful to the study of God's word, which the Holy Spirit writes on our minds and hearts. I wish that hell was not as harsh as what I understand it to be, and the scariest thing is that hell is much worse than I can ever imagine. Therefore, I think that we should present it in the strongest language possible while remaining true to God's word. Our love for sinners requires it.

2008: God of this City

It seems like that for the past few years, there are certain songs that stand out almost as my theme song for the year. In 2005 and 2006, it was Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm" because of Hurricane Katrina.


In 2007, it was the classic hymn "It is Well" because of deaths that occurred that year. It is a great testimony to God's love and the hope that we have in Him when we are able to say, in the midst of crisis, that it is well.

2008 was an interesting year for me personally. In 2007, I had paid little attention to the people in New Orleans that I had come to love so much because I had things going on at home that prevented me from going to New Orleans for at least two trips that I had tentatively planned. In fact, 2008 started the same way. I didn't make it to New Orleans when one of the boys was murdered. However, I finally took time to go in April and I am so glad that I did. Although I was never really close to Guy, his murder really is the thing that I think will always stick out about 2008. I am so glad that I had just been to New Orleans and had just seen him when it happened. My relationship with so many people in New Orleans has forever been changed by this event. Other things happened as well, but this seems to be the one event where I could have easily decided to quit doing what I was doing and give up. Instead, there was a song that kept playing over and over in my mind. In fact, the morning after Guy died, I went out and bought the CD that had this song on it, and I played that song over and over again reminding myself of God's promises. Here is my song of 2008:

Chris Tomlin's "God of this City" is one of those songs that is a musical reminder of these verses in Galatians 6:9-10: "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith." (ESV) This year I have had a chance to continue to do good to those who are of the household of faith. In the process, I have had the opportunity to share the gospel with others. Through it all, I have grown as a person. "Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city."

Gervais Nicholas - died 01/12/2008


Guy McEwen - died 04/17/2008

Random Thought #20

I lost about 30 minutes of productivity this morning because someone found a rat drowned in the toilet that we do not use in the office. Apparently it was a sewer rat that got swept away by the rain and decided to crawl up our pipe and drown with his nose centimeters away from the surface. That is all hearsay because I decided not to inspect our rodent corpse. It did cause quite the commotion in our office though as almost everyone else did inspect our unfortunate rat.

Random Thought #12

Sometimes there are articles that make you think - and praise God for His grace during a year of loss. This article is one of them. Sometimes you really cannot do anything to save someone, but there is comfort in knowing that you tried.